These last two month have been hard. Harder than anything I thought I could endure. My father in law passed away and we are about to leave our lives here and move to Vancouver Island at some point during the next year. So when I say that I really needed today, I hope you fully grasp my meaning.
My first time skating in two months, so I wasn’t expecting any miracles. But I prayed to those who loved me who are gone now to give me one day where everything worked out just as it should.
Holy fuck. It did.
25.5 laps, a quick test and “Get the fuck in the line!” God, I’m so happy.
I want to remember how awesome the following things felt before they become normal.
The feel of someone writing a number on my arm.
The love from amazing women who are proud of me.
Busting through a line my very first time jamming.
Hearing that double whistle.
Calling off the jam.
Seeing my number at the corner of my eye for the rest of the day.
Driving home feeling like a fucking rock star.
Getting home a realizing that I’ve sustained an injury!
Celebrating something I’ve been working over a year to achieve.
What a fucking perfect day.
Today was the most bitter sweet of practices. I still have a respiratory infection, so I wasn’t sure how I would do. I was coughing pretty bad at the end of each drill, but during the drills I was kind of ok. So I thought I would try my laps and just cough really bad when it was over. I figured it was only my anxiety that was trying to talk myself out of it all together. So after I began, Bertha slowly started to sabotage me in every way she could. The muscle I pulled over my hip started to burn, my blister on my foot would not shut up, and then my throat started to close. So I pussed out and went and got my puffer. I was so wanting today to be the day, it’s been a year now since I started derby and my laps won’t let me get fucking anywhere.
Great drills with hitting today, a super smart pace line. Once through the weaver does the hitting, next time through the weaver gets hit. Loved it. Very helpful for working on timing. I find that I put all of my mental efforts into taking the step and forget all about shutting the car door. We finished with hitting in a pack, when your number is called you have to hit as many people as you can. What beautiful chaos.
The bitterest part of today was the loss of my Dragon. It was her last practice and I know she’s going to leave a huge hole in our league and my life. I will forever be trying to catch up to you and I hope we can have a monster smack down on the track one day. You’re beautiful, I’ll miss you.
Last week rocked. It rocked my socks off. A full practice of hitting and blocking and 25 in 5:15 as a pack (which left me with a hope that if we weren’t staying as a pack I might have made it). I love hitting, I feel like a fighter getting amped up before going in the ring. My timing has gotten better too. We practiced hip hits slowly with a parter stepping in front and using that step to springboard us up into their leg. Seemed super impossible for me in the one on one drills. But when putting it in a pace line, something just clicked. My second time through I was hitting consistently and it felt really natural. This of course is the most un natural setting for lining up hits, but we have to start somewhere,
Oh, and shit, after all of my whining at how much I suck at everything, I have to brag about my epic ass. It’s good – it’s really good. I can’t wait to actually scrimmage to see if it holds up against a real jammer totally laying it on, but I’ve got those C cuts down, I have the wiggle, and anyone jamming against me gets knocked off their balance right away. I love it, other than how incredibly exhausting it is.
I’ve had the flu for about two weeks now and it’s almost depressing me. The gym in Monday killed me and I’ve taken the last two days off. I hate it, everyday that passes that I don’t work on endurance could mean another week that I don’t get my laps. The weather is almost nice enough to path skate, I love it. Outdoor path skating every day will be huge for me. I’m thinking, 30 minutes skate with my babe, 1.5 at the gym, 30 minutes skate home, things will really start to improve. Did I mention I lost 7 lbs? No big deal.
Plank 50 sec
Inverted 1 min
The girls are back from Wild West Showdown this week and I overheard one player say how she wasn’t really tired at the bouts at all. This was a serious revelation for me, as I guess I assumed that you just constantly fought through that exhaustion for the whole game (she isn’t a jammer though). But in any case, it give me hope that one day I will go from being totally bushed after a few minutes of booty blocking drills to being able to enjoy and absorb a whole game. I want this. I want this so bad. I was sick today, and my laps were a mere 23, but my muscles weren’t sore at all. So I think it’s just that my lungs were in such rough shape, I couldn’t get my endurance going. In just a month, I will have been doing this for a year. It’s been such a slow year, I can’t help but feel disappointed, but it know I should be proud of how far I’ve come. I can not express the anti-shape I was in before this. Downward dog was torture. I couldn’t sit cross legged, do a knee tap or touch my toes. I would lose my breath after climbing a staircase. So looking back, the progress has been huge. And considering I’m not even close to half of the athlete that I could be, that’s kind of thrilling.
Usually I live my life with no regrets at all. Every mistake made is supposed to be made to teach me something important and I would not trade them in. However, if in September, right after I did achieve my 25 in 5 often, if I had only not changed my wheels on that benchmark day, I really do believe I’d have benchmarked and be skating with my girls right now. It would have been so hard at first but I would have been skating twice or three times a week and progressed much faster than I am now. Winter is killing my and bouncy positive attitude. Why do I care about this so much? It’s one fucking skill. One tiny part of the skater I will be. I am crying with how these shitty laps are taking over everything. Every day at the gym I push my self harder and longer, I see myself achieving new skills every time I go. My skating skills are improving too. None of it make fuck all difference on my laps. I want it to count, I want my hard work and mental time spent to matter. I am there every week. I am at the gym every day. I am eating super clean and feeling great. Why does it not effect these shitty circles in the least? I want to enjoy all these little victories I’m wining and can’t – because I can’t skate enough circles long enough. I push. I prepare. I taste blood, want to throw up and cough for the rest of my day. Why doesn’t it matter? I can only assume that my last blog post is totally on the money. Nothing is like skating. Before winter hit, my daily path skating and attending the other league’s practice as well must have made all the difference.
In a couple months, one of my favourite girls will be gone. We’ve both achieved so much and come so far and I’m so super proud to see her scrimmaging and being where she should be. I wish I could be there too, it kills me to know that I’ll never be there with her.
I overheard a coach telling another freshie that the most frustrated skaters go on to be the most determined (paraphrasing). I’ve never been more determined to achieve anything as I am these 25 laps. I know after this, there will be other difficulties and blocks, but I need this next step to happen. I’m super tired of sounding like a whiny bitch.
Today, for this first time in probably 15 years, I wore I two piece bathing suit. I didn’t die, and no one laughed and pointed. Yes, I was worried I would fall out of it, but other than that, my day was awesome.
We just spent an amazing weekend in west Edmonton mall, sans baby, and we weren’t planning on doing the wave pool, but had free tickets so we thought what the hell, Old Navy is cheap for suits lets do it. I am cheap, but must wear board shorts as I am no where near ready to show off those thighs yet, but my stomach is doing much better than it used to. I even have the makings of little tiny abs on the top (could be tiny new rolls, but I’m being optomistic). So I’m thinking that I shouldn’t have to pay more for a one piece or get another stupid tankini that I hate (they always just roll up anyway on a tall girl like me) so I bought the cheapest biggest boobiest bikini that they had. I was definitively the worst looking stomach out there, and there were super fit ladies in one pieces and tankinis, but seriously, no one gave a shit about my wiggly tummy. Guys certainly have no options, most of the men my age had bellies way bigger than mine 😉 If they don’t give a shit, neither will I. My husband said, “I’m so proud of you for dressing so sluttly.” Love my man, love that I live in a place and time that I can wear what I like without getting arrested or assaulted. Kick ass life.